From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: Rob Pattinson – It’s All On You

[Press 'Play' for something far too genuine for Twilight]

Here’s the mandatory cell phone shots as proof

Yeppers, the date on the poster is 11/16/12 and here i am posting this on 11/14/12 because we got this in Yeaman on Wednesday. Don’t be hating, rather be thanking me for sacrificing myself by seeing this before you so i can warn you away shouting “Save Yourselves!” while i try to wash the shit from my stinking eyes.

Ramblings: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1 ½ Shots

You know how you you get drunk at Applebees? You’re surrounded not by cliche’s but by imitation cliches printed up in some factory in Boonies, Iowa and the beer tastes like beer but the buzz doesn’t feel like drunk rather like whatever the opposite of motion sickness is like stagnation sickness or demotion sickness because Applebees doesn’t go anywhere and makes you feel lower than when you started like fake snow just sitting at the bottom of a cheap plastic snow globe waiting for something to shake it up and make things happen but you can keep waiting because the waitresses keep changing and you can’t find any consistency beyond the sissy mocktails that keep appearing in front of you refusing to get you off like the hostess in her fake uniform standing not like a clone but like a robot of a clone. In the end the drama is as hollow as the cheap snow globe and the love is as sincere as the smile of an aging waitress stuck in the middle of her second shift. That’s what Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) reeks of.

“You just marked your territory on my leg, asshole.”

To be fair, i knew i wasn’t gonna like Twilight: BD 2 even before i went. To be super fair, i hated it even worse than i thought i ever could and to be super fucking fair they didn’t have to make it so goddamn easy to hate it.

Seriously, they didn’t even try to live up to the previous episodes. i felt like i was humping a prostitute whose makeup was rapidly disintegrating and she’d stopped caring long before i did and she already had my money so she wasn’t even going to pretend to try, just lie there and wait for it all to end. Which reminds me of the ending to this movie and i’m not going to give away any spoilers here but What The Hell, people? i don’t know if the ending of the book is the same of the movie but oh my god, if the book ended the same way i don’t get why teens all over the nation didn’t band together and burn Stephanie Meyer at the stake with a bonfire built of the last pages of this flaming shit.

A Better End

Was it really so bad? No, of course not…it was way fucking worse than that. Take the special effects. The effects were ‘special’ all right, short bus, safety leash, drool cup special. Who knew you could do CGI with a kindergarten pencil? You know what they CGIed here, because i’m gonna tell you right now. They CGIed the fucking baby and made it look like a monkey in a dress with Steve Buscemi’s face.

What else was bad? i can’t say the acting was bad—because there wasn’t any acting. It was just a bunch of interchangeable people standing around looking at each other and pouting. There was already no content to the story so they took this concept about as rich as decaf airplane tea and watered it down to make it last 2 hours. i’d like to say the script was bad, so i will. The script was fucking horrible with jokes that fell flat, inconsistencies and what the fucks aplenty, and characters who appear and disappear for no reason.

“That’s right, Renesmee, slap mommy again. She was a bad mommy who did the nasty with the bad director.”

Here’s what i hope. i hope at least one person reading this is offended and pissed off and leaves a comment full of venom and vitriol [it must me a word, spell check didn't flag it] defending this movie because i would love to see what anyone can see in this movie. Please, i’m begging you here people, one fucking redeemable quality, that’s all i ask.

Speaking of redeemable qualities, Dakota Fanning is now officially 18 but i think some of the shots floating to the bottom of the barrel online are still of her underage so i prefer to card her here and i’ll make more of an effort to find sexy pics for next time. Nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Sure, the women here are very attractive and they stay that way until their pert little lips slowly part and the insipid comments and flat voices fall out of their mouths like a dead tongue wanting to be french kissed.

We might as well start off with Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan dive) who shows some of her bare back and kind of rapes Rob Pattinson with her super human vampire strength in a scene that probably isn’t too far from reality and goes a long way towards explaining why Rupert Sanders ended up her huntsman. Here’s some happy hunting, to be sure. Let us prey.

Kristen Stewart Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got more single shots of Kristen in my drawers, down at the bottom. All you gotta do is click on the “Read More” link at the end of the review to open up that can of worm.

The coolest actress in this one by far was Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) who is one sexy badass. Unfortunately, she’s absent for most of the movie and when you see the whole movie you understand why her character chose to flee at the beginning. Here’s what you missed.

Ashley Greene Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are single shots of her in my drawers as well, at the end of the review.

Speaking of underused as a tampon in a Vampire’s bathroom, the ultimate Maggie Grace soaked up the screen while she filled it, but was discarded far to quickly and easily for my taste. Here’s something more lingering for you to savor.

Maggie Grace Bar None Booze Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

More shots of her in my drawers as well. What can i say, i have busy drawers tonight.

Silken Butterflies

There were several ladies who lit up the screen and my only complaint about them is that they weren’t up there more than they were.

For example, there was Casey LaBow as Kate.

Angela Sarafyan as Tia:

Angela Sarafyan 01 in the Bar None

And the stunning Christie Burke as “Renesmee (Young Woman)”

For those of you more into the pricks than the sucking, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) hooks up with Renesmee which is weird enough when you think he spends half his life as a where wolf, but what’s even worse is that he “imprints” on her when she’s just born. Wow. i’m pretty sure imprinting on chicks without consent is against the law in every state except Alaska because they grow ‘em different up there but jesus, imprinting on a minor? On a baby minor?!

Are you understanding me, people? In this story, a giant dog falls in love with a newborn. Can you wrap your head around this? It’s fucking pedo-bestaility and this movie is rated PG-13? Where i come from this a special kind of sick and the only kind of punishment cruel and unusual enough for that shit is to make the guilty partiers watch Twilight Breaking Down (Part 2) in a loop.

“Please stop imprinting on me Uncle Jacob. It’s creepy and leaves stains on my dress.”

To punish Taylor, i’m posting a wallpaper of him with not just a shirt on, but a whole suit. You know what Taylor Lautner can do to a suit? Make it look pretty fucking ridiculous.

Taylor Lautner Suit Up Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Last on my least is Robert Pattinson who i feel for. Really. OK, so he can’t act, no one else in this movie can anyway. More importantly, he’s young and handsome and his hot girlfriend cheated on him in front of the whole world. It’s bad enough to be humiliated but to be humiliated on a global level…for your shame to go viral, man, that’s a new brand of suck for you to deal with. Plus, he’s so confused he even took her back which just means it’s going to happen again. Trust me. i know. It. Will. Happen. Again. Poor bastard. And he’s such a talented mother fucker as well and if you don’t believe me just go up and listen to the song i posted at the beginning of this post that you didn’t listen to when you had the chance and you should’ve. Poor bastard.

Robert Pattinson Musician Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got some drunk shots of him floating in my drawers, as well.

Drink: 0 Shots

• J Jenks drinks whiskey in a Seattle restaurant
• Dad drinks beer while opening presents

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

i almost could’ve gone ½ shot on this but the fight scene at the end was the least boring scene and then they even rip that out from under you.

“I can beat you with one hand stuck up my ass.”

Here’s how Rock and Roll this movie was. Bella’s first kill as a vampire: She renounces a human kill for a deer—already very tame—but then she attacks a cougar that is jumping to attack the deer. Yes. The only time we see her feed in the whole movie is when she’s saving a deer’s life.

The least bad song of the movie is “The Forgotten” by Green Day.

There was also a nice song i can’t find a good copy of online called “All I’ve Ever Needed” by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed (who also plays Rosalie Hale in the film).

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer(novel Breaking Dawn)
Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Maggie Grace – Irina
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Andrea Powell – Sasha
Casey LaBow – Kate
Angela Sarafyan – Tia
Christie Burke – Renesmee (Young Woman)
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Never. Don’t you ever. Don’t you dare.

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 1

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Put a stake through the heart of this post ’cause it’s dead and gone. All that’s left is the pretty pictures of the actors and actresses. Click on the “Continue Reading” link to see what that’s like.

Robert Pattinson (26) Drinking

Robert Pattinson Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Kristen Stewart (22)

Kristen Stewart on the way to the Bar None

Kristen Stewart Playing Giant Quarters in the Bar None

Ashley Greene (25)

Ashley Greene Body Paint

Maggie Grace (29)

Maggie Grace in the Bar None

Christie Burke

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Artist – Song

[Press 'Play' for a song this movie deserves]

Ramblings: Argo For It

Final Proof: 4 ½ Shots

You know how you get drunk on Thanksgiving? The second you arrive you feel at home and you settle in knowing the food is gonna be good because your mom’s a great cook and your little brother cracks you up and your dad will get drunk on Wild Turkey and tell some stories and your sister is a drama queen that makes the meal a little tense but not too much, just enough to keep you on the edge of your seat and the best thing about the dinner is none of these things but it’s the buzz you know is gonna come and only get better because it’s not the holiday getting you off, it’s the knowing it’s good while it’s happening. That’s what you’re going to be thankful for: you won’t wait until later to look back on this night fondly—you’ll feel damn good about it while it’s in your lap. That, Barmaids and Beerhounds, is exactly what Argo is like.

On the Set of the Porn Version of Argo: Arcum

Dear Ben Affleck,

You are a fucking genius.

Best Regards,

Everyone

i’m only going to say this once because to say it twice would be stupid. i fucking love this movie.

Be honest, Ben Affleck isn’t a bad actor but he looks better than he acts. Still, he’s a better director than either of those put together. Don’t believe me? Check out where i already said it when i reviewed The Town which was another kick ass movie.

Ben Affleck and the Ayatollah Howmany in a Battle of the Beards

Want me to give you some proof other than just saying he’s great over and over like a grateful groupie in his trailer with the residue of a tequila body shot mixing with sweat drying on her stomach while she’s being so ecstatically ridden she doesn’t even care he’s not wearing a condom? Sure, i can do that.

Smart Affleck kept the style of the 70′s throughout the entire movie and not just the props (pull tab cans of Tab, Star Wars action figures…) but the look and feel of the film as well. Hell, even the Warner Bros opening logo is the one used 1972-1984 and is all scratchy looking like the film was found back then. There’s that but there’s also the realism that Argo soaks in—for example the intensity of the Iranians taking over the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979. That scene is even more powerful because Affleck lets the story tell itself rather than trying to force it into the position he likes best.

“The 70′s is calling; they want everything back.”

Big Ben has this sensitive touch and it would have been way easy to pour on the drama and the fear and the shock and the tension but instead of being heavy handed his delicate touch puts in only the right amount of each and the overall effect is poignant respect. Like Canada. Who knew Canada was cool? Go ahead and make all the Canadian jokes you want to, i’m giving you permission, but when you’re done add a little “Thank You” because those pussies have balls. Argo will show you that, too.

Canada: The 51st State…they wish (Thank you, Canada)

No, i did not give this movie a full 5 shots and i’ll tell you why even if the explanation is boring. The first reason is the ending went on too long. Ben Gay spent a lot of time wrapping things up and there wasn’t even that much present. Next, he got a little carried away in the final scenes at the airport. Sure, he could’ve made it schoolery and that would’ve sucked harder because i would have given it less than 4½ shots and i woulda bitched that a movie isn’t a documentary and he should’ve taken some liberties to make it more exciting and he took my advice but he took it too far, is all. The last reason i didn’t give it 5 shots isn’t the movie’s fault. Argo is just a spy movie. Sure, OK, it’s a spy movie that rises above spy movies like a cloud of sensa-million floating out of James Bond’s mouth and going right over his head, but still, it’s a spy movie, people.

“Hello, this is Central Intellge–hold on, I can’t read the whole thing.”

In the end, Argo makes you feel something (which is better than feeling something in the end), exactly like the Thanksgiving i talked about up top. Affleck added the right amount of action (except a little too much at the end), humor, drama, history to make a movie you will remember when you’re going around the table, telling all the movies you’re thankful for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant

The actresses were beautiful, as is my want, but hiding out in a Canadian embassy doesn’t really lend itself well to sex scenes in the shower, bikini pool parties or playful lesbian exploration. Point is, just because there wasn’t a lot of coming going on doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out and see Argo.

Speaking of coming out, Clea Duvall has played a lot of lesbian roles and lesbians seem to think she’s a member of the Clan of the Cave Bare, so i’m thinking all we need is an exposé in the Bar None to push her all the way out of the closet. It goes something like this.

Clea DuVall Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got more Clea shots in my nether drawers. Just scroll down to the end of this shit, then look for the link that says “Continue reading”, or the sign that says “Drawers”.

Also making an appearance was the beautiful Kerry Bishé, and the 70s really suited her. Of course, there’s quite a lot that suits her and here’s what i mean by that.

Kerry Bishé Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s also some drawer shots of her down there. Keep going lower until you hit bottom.

Silken Butterflies

There were gobs of Silken Butterflies in this and i’m gonna start by talking about Nancy Stelle, the best one. And i’m not saying she’s the best because she was brave enough to let me interview her for the Booze Talkin’, because i don’t need to. Nancy played a Swiss Air flight attendant and because Ben Dover cut some of her scenes, you’ll see more of her here than you will in the movie.

There’s more better of where this came from in my Booze Talkin’ Interview with her.

Speaking of Booze Talkin’ (and isn’t everyone), i’m also going to do an interview probably for sure with the beautiful mind Amitis Frances Ariano, who was a Persian Dancer. She’s getting medical exams now (to be a doctor, not a patient), so the interview will have to wait until after she aces her tests. Here’s a sneak preview.

i say “probably for sure” because sometimes silken butterflies say they’ll do the interview and then they flit away without a word when i send the questions. Such was the case of Kelly Curran, who plays the lead of the movie within a movie during the dress rehearsal script reading. First, she accepted the interview then sobered up and ignored me like i was a tax collector ex-boyfriend.

Kelly Curran Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You know who is adorable? Because i do. It’s Sheila Vand. Sheila plays the Iranian maid and she does a kick ass job speaking Iranian, like i would know if she didn’t. What i also know is she has the cutest nose i’ve ever seen and it goes really well with the rest of her. Check it.

Sheila Vand Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

How could i not have shots of her in my drawers? Scroll down and you’ll see…

There was also an all too brief appearance by the one and lovely Taylor Schilling who showed up at the end as Tony’s wife, Christine Mendez.

Taylor Schilling Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Blah blah blah Drawer Shots blah blah.

One of the nice things about Argo was all the scenes they filmed in airports and airplanes, which means we get Swissair Gate Agents like Annie “Not So” Little…

…and British Airways Flight Attendants like model Allegra Carpenter.

Allegra Carpenter Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Definitely more shots of her hanging out in my drawers.

For those of you more interested in Arguys than Argirls, there was the still studly Ben Affelck who showed off his hairy yet buff chest in one scene where he changes. There’s also some debate about how serious he is when he says he’s been sober for 10 years, but that’s not my business. This is my business:

Ben Affleck Out of the Bar None

i put more shots of him on the top of the pile in my drawers.

A shout out is long overdue to Overdude Bryan Cranston who can go from the dad in Malcolm in the Middle to a meth manufacturer in Breaking Bad and kill both roles before doing a jig on their graves while he picks up his Emmy. His role in Argo is a little more traditional but he nails it like a frat guy with a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Breaking Badass

Bryan Cranston in the Bar None

Drink: 2 Shots

There were a lot of scenes with booze but alcohol didn’t play a key part in the film so that boils down to 2 shots.

Here’s the blow by blow.

• Wine in Canadian embassy hideout
• Ben drinks Miller Lite at dinner with fast food
• Whiskey at Hollywood restaurant

“Here are shots of you drinking vodka with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance, sober Ben Affleck.”

• Red wine @ Hollywood rooftop party
• Whiskey toast, “Argo fuck yourself”

“To the Bar None. And formal track suits.”

We’re entering Iranian airspace and we’ll be coming through to collect any alcoholic beverages.

–Flight attendant on Tony Mendez’s (Ben Affleck) flight

• Wine and whiskey and gin @ night before leaving party
• Ben drinks shots of whiskey hotel room because he has to think

It is our pleasure to announce alcoholic beverages are now available as we have cleared Iranian airspace.

– Happy ending defined by booze

• Champagne on the plane to celebrate

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

4 shots and worth every drop. First, there was the suspense which Ben tossed up here masterfully like a master tosser. OK, yes, he jumped the shark in that one scene in the airplane where he sees the cop cars next to the plane but he was doing such a god lob until then that you gotta cut him a slack–and one shot off.

That awkward moment you realize you aren’t looking in a mirror.

(BTW, for those intellectuals reading this post, both of you, the real story of the “Canadian Caper” can be found at these kick ass sites i bothered to look up for y’all. “A Classic Case of Deception” is the story as told by Antonio “Tony” Mendez himself on the CIA’s website. Nate Jones gives a nice, behind the scenes comparison of the movie to the real event in his article “The True Story Behind Argo” at ForeignPolicy.com.)

Then there was the music. Ben got lucky that the late 70′s was ripe with tuneage, but he also avoided the disco balls. It was an easy call but he made it and he included Led Zeppelin and it was “When the Levee Breaks”. What was the last movie you saw that had “When the Levee Breaks” in it? Exactly. 4 full shots, babes.

He also included Van Halen’s “Dance the Night Away” (which did come out in ’79, i checked) and this song by the Rolling Stones which isn’t bad for a Stones song but is no “When the Levee Breaks”.

[Press 'Play' for a Little T&A]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joshuah Bearman: article “Escape from Tehran”
Chris Terrio: screenplay

Directed by: Ben Affleck

Gayfield Chess Club Class Reunion

Starring

Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant
Amitis Frances Ariano – Persian Dancer
Clea DuVall – Cora Lijek
Kerry Bishé – Kathy Stafford
Sheila Vand – Sahar
Kelly Curran – Princess Aleppa
Allegra Carpenter – British Airways Flight Attendant
Annie Little – Swissair Gate Agent
Taylor Schilling – Christine Mendez
Ben Affleck – Tony Mendez
Bryan Cranston – Jack O’Donnell
Alan Arkin – Lester Siegel
John Goodman – John Chambers

Bottom Line

Repeat after me: “This is not an action movie.” Promise me you will see this movie but that you won’t be expecting an action movie, because then you’ll be disappointed. This is a a fucking awesome espionage movie with a lot of suspense and tension but no action. See it anyway.

“Is that your collar, Alan Arkin, or are you requesting clearance for take off?”

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Only meat and sweets after this point. i’ll start off the drawers with some Ben Affleck for the ladies so they can bail early if they want.

Ben Affleck

Clea DuVall

Clea DuVall in the Bar None

Clea DuVall in the Bar None

Kerry Bishé

Kerry Bishé with some guy in the Bar None

Sheila Vand

Taylor Schilling

Taylor Schilling Assassin a Dress

Taylor Schilling in the Bar None

Taylor Schilling in the Bar None

Allegra Carpenter

Allegra Carpernter in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Click to view slideshow.

From the juiced-box (not so much) and the soundtrack: Neil Finn – Song of the Lonely Mountain (extended version)

[Press 'Play' for The Hobbit version of South Park's Lemmiwinks' Song]

Can you believe it? The Unexpected Journey started here 2 full days before the US when The Hobbit strolled into Yeaman first. Don’t believe me–believe the random cell phone shots i took.

Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit To Break

Final Proof: 2½ Shots and/or 5 Shots

[us poor slobs]

 and / or

[for the cool geeks]

 You know how you get drunk with Jacob and Wilhem Grimm, the Grimm Bros.? They start off all serious and dark and sit on the corner of the booth and they don’t say much but then they start pounding that mead and really quickly they start singing off key these songs from their homeland that aren’t as cute as they think they are and then they start talking together super quickly about all their wicked fairy tales but the problem is that it’s all talk. They just sit there babbling about the story and it’s kind of a let down because you feel like they’re giving you spoilers even if they’re the ones that wrote the stories but it’s a hell of a lot better to read the stories than hear these over excited drunks telling you what happened. At the end you kinda wished they’d just shut up and showed you the story because when the tale comes second-hand, you feel used. That’s exactly how The Hobbit makes you feel.

“Hey little boy, you want some candy?”

Just my luck, i wanna hurry up and post this to score a scoop and i find i have to write two reviews. The first one is for us poor slobs who aren’t fans of Tolkien, never read The Hobbit, and prefer the theatrical versions of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy to the snooze-fest of the Director’s Cut (which wasn’t even cut). The second review is for the LotR geeks who could hack into my computer at the drop of a pointy wizard hat at a cosplay convention.

Us Poor Slobs:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was pretty fucking expectable, if you ask me. i’m told by people who tell the difference that The Hobbit is a children’s reader compared to the other books of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and Peter Jackson came out with a children’s film here. Think Madagascar in Middle Earth. Think Witch King and the Chocolate Factory. The Wizard of Oz-giliath. It’s so simple, it’s kind of annoying, like the way Bilbo talks as though he’s the host of a kiddy program on Sunday mornings.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was great. It follows the book closely and Peter Jackson did a marvelous job capturing the joyful innocence that permeates the Tolkien classic.

Cocktail Weenies at the Troll Party

Us Poor Slobs:
And the kiddy movie isn’t even a problem for me, hell, there are some great fucking kiddy movies, but this one is too dialog heavy to take a kid to because all we get is story telling and not story except suddenly 1 or 2 minutes of soft core violence that’s too hard for kids anyway. It seems every character we meet has to relate an anecdote of something that happened to him and i ended up feeling like a guy in the checkout line waiting for the talkative housewife in front of me to stop blabbing to the curious cashier so i could get a move on to something more interesting than the not so super market.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey rocked. The adventures of lovable dwarfs and Bilbo Baggins come to life through their words, and as their tales unfold we become enveloped in their lives so that it feels like we are there, sitting beside them, listening to them recount their stories just for us.

“They cut the power because we didn’t pay our electric bill.”

Us Poor Slobs:
Maybe the problem is i saw this in 2D, but that can’t be it either because the scenery was great and the special effects were amazing. i couldn’t tell where reality ended and the movie began as far as the landscapes, and the Middle Earth cityscapes looked so cool i wanted to visit them for reals. These are beautiful paintings, artistic even, but the problem is we want to see some movement in them. There is the charm of the previous movies here, but not the magic.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was brilliant. Peter Jackson creates special effects that lift the genre out of Middle Earth and carry it to heaven. The worst part of the movie is the end because when the credits roll you remember you don’t live in the world you’ve been a part of for the last 2 hours.

“That’ll sure put some magic in the old wand.”

Us Poor Slobs:
You know how everyone was wondering if Jackson could make 3 movies from 1 kids book, when the LotR was 3 movies from 3 fat books? Well, instead of making one, single great fucking classic genius crowning glory film that people would be talking about for centuries, he’s gonna make 3 ‘meh’ movies.

Super Cool Geeks:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was awesome. We were afraid of setting our expectations too high, when now we realize we could never have set them high enough.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:0 Shots

Of the 36 main characters listed on the IMDB page, only 1 is a woman.

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Though the drawers are pretty empty for this post, i do have some shots of Cate stuffed in them at the bottom down there.

Silken Butterflies

Uncredited in the movie but credited, thank God, on IMDB is the super lovely Renee Cataldo. You wanna know which Goblin she was? The hot one.

Drink: 1 Shot

With all the not an awful lot of anything going on in The Hobbit, there was also not an awful lot of drinking. The beginning had some drunken dwarfs but if you’ve ever been to Florida for spring break, this won’t be anything you haven’t seen before.

• Drinking [his] wine when the dwarfs crash Bilbo’s place.

Mr Gandalf, a drop of wine as you requested. With a fruity bouquet.

Dwarf handing Gandalf a doll’s tea set cup of red wine

• Dwarfs chugging and spilling beer and burping

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

You know you’re in trouble when the most exciting part of the movie is the preview for Star Trek Into Darkness that came on before the movie. OK, i’m being overly a dickhead but it’s because i missed out on the LotR movies when they came out and saw them on my tablet and thought the looked really cool and so i was hoping i could make up for it with The Hobbit and i couldn’t.

Yes, there were some action scenes and some of them weren’t too bad but there were too few and they were too predictable. i can’t fault them for being too short but i can fault them for being too far apart.

Oh, there was one funny thing and that was the wizard Radagast who they show getting high to chill out and make a reference to his doing too much ‘shrooms.

That’s it for the rock. Not for the music, though. Oh that it were. Prepare your mind for the blowing it’ll get when it witnesses not 1 but 2 musical numbers from the dwarfs and then another one from the fucking goblins. Is there not enough suffering in the world already?

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

J.R.R. Tolkien – (novel “The Hobbit”)
Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro – (screenplay)

Directed by: Peter Jackson

Starring

Cate Blanchett – Galadriel
Renee Cataldo – Goblin
Ian McKellen – Gandalf
Martin Freeman – Bilbo
Richard Armitage – Thorin
Hugo Weaving – Elrond
Christopher Lee – Saruman
Andy Serkis – Gollum
Sylvester McCoy – Radagast

Bottom Line

Fans will always be fans and there’s nothing that Jackson can do to disappoint them. He could’ve made fucking Battlefield Middle Earth and everyone would be talking about his genius. Those of us outside the ring, though, will find the movie a little slow, unevenly paced and too soft for adults and too harsh for kids. Fans will think that too, but they won’t admit it.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

You could also check out the fucked up reviews by some guy named Saint Pauly over at WTF: Watch The Film

Click on the Poster to Read the Review

Click on the Poster to Read the Review

Al K Hall’s Drawers

You can stop reading now. Just some pictures of Cate Blanchett coming up.

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

The New Year has come even if you haven’t (but hey, the couple that fakes it together, makes it together) and brings with it a whole barrel bottom-ful of Dregs. Like we got a girl shooting off her brother’s mouth, God not damning, the Chris Brown wreck, Lay-Lo laying low, and Sofia Veraga’s New Year’s boobs.

From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Kill Me

[Press 'Play' for what you listen to when you care enough to kill the very best]

Commoner Dregs

January 2, 2013: Photo Shoot

Starting things off with a bang this year.

You know me (and if you don’t, watch more Jerry Springer), i like to make fun as much as the next guy especially if the next guy is super funny. But i have to draw a line somewhere so i’m drawing one right here.

See, on New Year’s Eve in Phoenix, AZ a drunk 19 year old girl killed her brother while they posed for Facebook profile pics. The parties in questioning were drinking with buds when someone pulled out a gun and as the siblings messed around, the girl accidentally fired a bullet into her  brother’s head.

i know you like the back of my daddy’s hand, Barmaids and Beerhounds, and i know you’re gonna wanna make all kinds of jokes about this. Like you’re gonna be tempted to shoot your mouth off and say shit like, “Looks like they were doing shots” or “Talk about a photo shoot” or “Maybe he wanted a head shot .” Well, i’m here to tell you that shit don’t fly, you sick mother drunkard. What do you have going on in you brain to even think of bad puns like that?

November 15, 2012: Loop Holy

God may not be your copilot, but he sure as hell is Tyler Alred’s. This 17-year old shithead was drunk driving (0.07 %, just under the legal limit), hit a tree and killed his 16-year old passenger. Dead. He even pleaded guilty to manboyslaughter.

You know who else is a shithead? The judge. He sentenced All-red to 10 years…in church. Swear to god. The judge passed on a suspended sentence of 10 years during which Tyler has to attend church service on Sunday.

The kicker? The sentence may not be too effective because Alred already goes to church every fucking Sunday. God damn it all to hell.

Turns Out Jesus Really Does Save

Celebrity Dregs

December 23, 2012: What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a restaurant celebrating her sister Ali’s 19th birthday (Ali’s the one in the back left looking like Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), but it’s hard to tell because everyone in that family looks like the clan’s Gran, including the men.

The scandal that erupted like the zit on the nose of a Disney teen drinking and driving Herbie The Love Drunk had to do with the fact that it’s illegal for Lay-Lo to drink alcohol, and this law is brought to you by the same universe that says it’s OK to sentence a drunk driver to church.

Like every good alkie, however, Lindsay blamed her grandmother because you would too if you could get away with it and you would because what kind of lawyer would attack a grannie? To add salt to the wounds, Lay Lindsay Lay claimed that the drink is an alcohol free margarita, making it the only thing even close to virgin at the table. Plus, i’m pretty sure that’s not salt on the rim. Maybe the Coke isn’t in the glass, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.

Here’s a little tribute to the lovely bonds of sisterhood.

Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You guys pro’lly don’t care about what a sensitive soul i am, but this one picture right here is very heartistic and causes me a sadness i wouldn’t know where to explain.

And this one is just plain cute…

January 2, 2013: Breast Regards

Sofia Vergara Plays “Peek-a-Boob”

Sofia Vergara and Nick “Rock” Loeb-ster in the Bar None

Sofia Veraga has two very big boobs: her fiancé and her ex. On New Year’s Eve they all decided to party together which is the greatest idea ever since Rihanna decided to go back to Chris Brown. All this went down in Florida which, if you’ve read these dregs more than once you already know is where insanity goes to die and comes back to life so it can gnaw on the brains of the few people there that have any left.

The trio were partying in the VIP section of a club called Miami’s Story when Sofia So-Good and her fiancé Nick Loeb had words to go with their drinks (words like “asshole”, “fuckface”, and “stretchy head”, i bet). People at a nearby table stuck their noses into Loeb’s business and then his fist and in the following fight some people got beat up but, even better, some good soul was kind enough to pull down Sofia’s top for us.

Sorry about the censorship in the above shot but i can’t find an unadultery shot anywhere on the net. The closest i could find was this slip showing.

Sofaia Vergara will bend over backwards for you

i got more of this hot steamy mess down in my drawers…

December 9, 2012: Chris Browns His Underwear

Call me Basking Robbins ’cause i’m about to give y’all a scoop. Chris Brown, the guy you know you hate, was in a city called Paris (hint: doesn’t end with “Hilton”) in a land called France (the country Germany practices its global dominations on) and learned a very simple lesson in mathematsick.

+

=

Seems Brownie rented a Lamborghini Aventador (shot 1), did a show and hit an after-party (shot 2), left the bar at 4 am and banged into some other dude’s car (shot 3). As i’m the only one talking about this (in English), i’m calling it a win for Team None. But, if i get wacked mysteriously or suddenly disappear without a face, start looking here at the French Connection.

Here’s a Bar None Artist’s misconception.

Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Chris Brown’s Accident

i gots more shots of Chris and Rihanna drinking in my drawers, just at the bottom there.

Bar None Dregs

For Christmas, i promised that Saint Pauly kid i’d post this picture off his WTF (Watch the Film) blog. What do you think? Is is as funny as he says it is?

Troll Colonoscopy

Here comes the part where i wish you a Happy New Year. That’s done. Was it good for you?

i stole this from a website called Guapola because that’s the kinda shit i do.

Masochists will want to to go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Below are pretty much just pretty pictures of much to do with nothing.

Dedicated to Judge Mike Norman, the guy who sentenced a drunk driver to church.

Drunk Religiously Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s a shot of Sofia Vergara’s current fiancé Nick Loeb showing he’s scarred for life (and some of his cuts from New Year’s, too).

Nick Loeb the Cut-Up

Sofia Vegara earlier that evening…

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None

Sofia Vergara earlier that life…

Sofia Vergara – Assassin B-day Suit

Sofia Vergara – Assassin Thong

Sofia Vergara – Assassin Cellophane

Sofia Vergara on the Bar None Beach

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None

Chris Brown and Rihanna in the Bar None

Chris Brown with Rihanna in the Bar None

Chris Brown in the Bar None

Both whities are afraid Chris will get drunk and beat the shit out of them, thinking they’re Rihanna

Chris Brown in the Bar None Bar Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

January 8, 2013: Happy New Whore!

Georgia Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

From the juiced box and dedicated to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa: Machine Gun Kelly – LTFU (One More Time)

[Press 'Play' for "For the unforgettable nights we couldn't take in / Cause we were to busy guzzlin the gin / All in, til we spew it up / My city love me so whenever I'm home / I get the messages saying that it is on"]

Charlie Sheen has got himself a new whore. After Bree Olson’s twins dumped him, he’s now seeing Georgia “On My Mind” Jones, who’s way classier because she only does lesbian (see above wallpaper, in case you missed it) or solo (check out my drawers down below). But she’s not what i mean by “new whore” and if that’s what you thought i meant then you don’t know me very well because i’d never call a woman that and especially not one who is one.

Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None

Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None

Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None

Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None

No, Charlie’s new bit on the side is none other than Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. The two Californicators partied together in Cabo San Lucas (which is messican for “Party Central”), MeXXXico.

Charlie Sheen tweeting from the Bar None

Charlie Sheen & Antonio Villaraigosa in the Bar None

Sheen had this to say about it.

“He can drink with the best of ‘em: Me.”

The two boys spoke for hours and drank tons and all around hit it off so well that now his Dishonor is going into denial, telling everyone that the meeting was only a quickie. Knowing Sheen as well as Georgia Jones, 3 minutes sounds about right.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Here’s the Bar None artist’s rejection of what partying with Antonio Villaraigosa would be like.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

The single shots of Gorgeous Georgia Jones are right here, just click on the link.

Georgia Jones in the Bar None

Georgia Jones in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)

[Press 'Play' for "Two beers for two weary travelers"]

Ramblings:

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.

Horsing Around

i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.

Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.

Beating a Dead Horse

The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.

Now for the easy part. What went right.

i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.

Suddenly, Jamie Foxx realized she was on her period.

But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.

But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.

Kentucky Fried Johnson

i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.

“I’m so gonna nail this babe!”

Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.

Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).

It’s Hammer Time!

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

The funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that.  So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.

Sex Ed, Lesson 1: You have to take off your clothes first.

Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:

• Underside of JF’s [Jamie Foxx's] balls as he hangs upside down.

Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.

My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.

Kerry Washington Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.

After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.

Nichole Galicia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.

Laura Cayouette Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?

Amber Tamblyn Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…

Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?

Zoë Bell in the Bar None

Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.

As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.

Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.

For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…

Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.

Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.

Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.

Drink: 3 Shots

Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.

Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.

–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]

• Leo’s [Leonardo DiCaprio] lawyer orders sweet tea & bourbon at bar in house
• Champagne on ice in glass ice bucket
• Other Mandingo owner orders a tequila after his slave dies
• A tall beer for the winning slave Mandingo

Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.

–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]

Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

• Champagne and wine at lunch…
• White wine at Candie’s dinner

To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.

• Brandy after dinner
• Stephen (Samuel L Jackson) drinks brandy while explaining the situation

Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots

And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.

Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70′s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.

Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins

Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Quentin Tarantino

Directed by:
Quentin Tarantino

Ah, to be with friends and shoot the breeze.

Starring

Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy

Bottom Line

See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s it for the words. For those of you who continue, there’s nothing but the pictures.

i always start off with the guys so the ladies can bail before i exposé the actresses.

Jamie Foxx in the Bar None

Jamie Foxx in the Bar None

Kerry Washington / Broomhilda

Kerry Washington in the Bar None

Nichole Galicia / Sheba

Laura Cayouette / Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly

Laura Cayouette in the Bar None

Amber Tamblyn / Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter

Amber Tamblyn in the Bar None

Zoë Bell / Tracker

Zoë Bell and friend in the Bar None

Sharon Pierre-Louis / Little Jody

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box (kinda…) and the soundtrack: Preparation for Attack – Alexandre Desplat & the London Symphony Orchestra

[Press 'Play' for Jazzical, jazz mixed with classical]

Ramblings: Mission Accomplished

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk on Irish coffees? They’re dark and sweet and bitter and you don’t realize how much of them you’ve drunk because they’re so smooth but the real problem is you’re drinking them in a bar, squeezed into a booth and the caffeine kicks in pretty damn quick and so your leg starts to bounce and you squirm in your seat and you really have to pee but you’re trapped between a passed out Marine who’s packing and a girl you have a crush on that you’d rather crawl on than over so the tension mounts and the pressure builds and you catch yourself having a super suspenseful time even if there’s not a lot of action. That’s what sitting through Zero Dark Thirty is like.

Jessica Chastain accidentally enters the Men’s Room

Kathryn Bigelow is cool and hot which is good because it means the movies she makes are exactly like that and Zero Dark Thirty is no exception. What’s not to like about a film that has action and hot actresses and not even a scentilla (it means ‘a little whiff’, and yes, it’s a word, can’t you see i just wrote it?) of romance. Making this more of a macho movie than both The Expendables combined.

Kathryn Bigelow makes good decisions (well, apart from marrying James Cameron) and this movie is full of the good decisions like telling the story of killing Been Lauden through a girl’s eyes. The other good decision was about the torture and you know me (and if you don’t, you don’t know the meaning of torture, kiddo), the closest i get to political is listening to Rage Against the Machine so i’m not going to the torture place in this blog (apart from my writing style). Alls i’m gonna say is that Bigelow made the right decision starting off the movie with authentic cell phone recordings left behind by 911 victims from the Twin Towers or the planes. That shot of reality will sober you right the fuck up and put the torture scenes in the right perspective.

“I’ll tell you whatever you want, just no more Nic Cage.”

Another good decision Big&Low made was not to go too intense with the torture. Maybe you wanna know if the torture scenes were too much and lemme tell you they were just enough. i’m a wimp when it comes to shit like torture and rape scenes in movies and the older i get the wimpier i become and i’m very fuckin’ older so if i think the torture wasn’t too traumatic, you probably won’t either.

Other than that, Zero Dark Thirty is a good drama and a good thriller and a good detective movie and a good espionage movie and a good action movie (especially the last 30 minutes) and when you have all those good movies mixed up in one, it can really suck sometimes but here it doesn’t because it’s good.

A quick game of ‘How Deep Can You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets’

So why only 3½ Shots? Because it’s all of those things that make it good that i just mentioned. Where The Hurt Locker took new ground and not just broke it but blew the shit out of it (if a little unevenly), Zero Dark Thirty stays within the parameters of the mission and gets the job done but without any of the shock and awe i was hoping for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1½ Shots

For the first time, 1½ shots is actually a good thing. No i haven’t gone Bieber on you, i’m just saying that in an action film the only kind of nudity you want is nudity in action, like bare breasted females fighting topless or something and short of that, just give me pretty ladies and hold the romance, please. Which is what Bigelow gives us here.

In case you were worried i’m becoming too politically correct, here’s the notes i took:

• JC [Jessica Chastain]‘s ass looks nice in tight slacks as she leaves the torture room

i don’t know if i knew Jessica Chastain (“Maya”) or not before this movie but what i do know is i love her hair. i’ve always had a thing for gingers (or ‘strawberry blondes’ as we called them at my end of the bush) and the other nice thing about Jessica is that she can act better than you, and this i know because she was nominated for an Academy Award and you weren’t.

The drapes DO match the…drapes.

Fun trivia: Jessica Chastain likes cleavage so much, even her chin has cleavage. Check out the picture i just posted. And then check out this.

Jessica Chastain Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Before i forget, there are solo shots of the actresses filling my drawers. Just scroll to the bottom of this post until you see the headline.

Silken Butterflies

We were blessed with two actresses whose talent was matched only by their beauty. Unfortunately, their appearances on screen were like touching myself in the shower (over all too quick), but don’t worry, i’ll post some shots here so that you can make the moment last.

Starting with Lauren Shaw (“Lauren” in the movie) who is not just drop dead gorgeous and also and actress but is a stunt woman as well. How cool is that!? i’ll fucking tell you how cool it is, it’s way fucking cool.

Lauren Shaw Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Wrapping things up is the beautiful Jessica Collins (“Debbie”). The first time i fell in love with her was when she played the Miniature Killer in CSI, and then i got to fall in love with her again in her brief appearance here. i also want it to go on record that she has the cutest nose. If you ever find yourself wondering what kind of nose i like, it’s this kind.

Drink: 2 Shots

There were enough references to keep me busy scrawling shit in my little notebook throughout the movie which means about 2 shots.

• Wine at dinner with brunette [Jennifer Ehle as 'Jessica'] & JC [Jessica Chastain]

We got lots of wine.

Good, bring me back a bottle.

–phone conversation between Maya & Jessica

• Wine at pre-mole meeting
• JC drinks something out of a clear plastic cup after her friend dies
• Martinis @ a Kuwaiti bar
• Bud for lunch with security guy @ Pakistani fast food
• Beer on tap in a bar

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

It’s like i was talking about in the intro section, there’s a lot of tension and suspense even if there’s not a lot of action. Until the last 30 minutes, which is a close to real time account of what it looked like when they wasted Ben.

“That man is playing Galaga. Thought we wouldn’t notice…but we did.”

Apart from the nice score that Alexandre Desplat made, the music in Zero Dark Thirty is rock and roll. Well, there’s only one other song and it’s not on the soundtrack and it’s the song they play to torture a guy with: Rorschach – Pavlov’s Dog

[Press 'Play' for the music that tortures people]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Mark Boal

Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow

Starring

Jessica Chastain – Maya
Jennifer Ehle – Jessica
Lauren Shaw – Lauren
Jessica Collins – Debbie

Bottom Line

It’s my #3 favorite Oscar movie (of the 5 i’ve seen—#1 being Argo and Django Unchained a very close #2), which means it’s definitely worth a look-see.

Another Round

The Hurt Locker Booze Revooze

Green Zone Booze Revooze

The Expendables Booze Revooze

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the sexy shots of the actresses with no witty text…or the text i had in this review.

Jessica Chastain

Jessica Chastain in the Bar None

Jessica Collins

Lauren Shaw

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and not the soundtrack: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl

[Press 'Play' for the second best song in the movie...and not on the soundtrack]

Ramblings: Panty Linings Playbook

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk wearing a suit? Not the part when you talk too loud so that everyone within shouting distance knows how over the top you went and not the part when everyone can smell the sheen gleaming in the sick that streaks your lapels. No, there are those moments before everyone becomes your best friend and before you get so phony all your bars are full of reception, before you try too hard to be funny and to fall in love, moments when you are a little off kilter, a little skewed but still you feel a little more you than you’ve been in a while because you are sincere and honest enough to let the crazy out a crack and you accidentally become endearing. That’s what Silver Linings Playbook is like.

“I’m going to switch this envelope out for the one that says ‘Argo’.”

SLP is a romantic comedy that is neither, and all the better for it. You know me and if you don’t,  i’m the guy that came up with “dramantic comedy” or “drom-com” and go ahead, you can keep mocking me even after you steal that expression because that’s also the kind of guy i am. i hate romantic comedies more than i hate life itself and i only went to see this because it was nominated for an Oscar and plus the only thing easier in life than hating romantic comedies is mocking them and i’m all about the easy.

Imagine my surprise when i didn’t hate this movie. Why i didn’t is a whole ‘nother story—not really, it’s the whole story of this post and i didn’t hate the movie because it wasn’t a romantic comedy, it was a sexy shell with some serious drama deep down at the bottom, like panty liners hidden inside scanty panties. Also, the ending was happy in the movie just like panty liners are happy in their own way because it means she’s not pregnant, am i right?

“You’re so hot, and not just the sweaty kind.”

Basically i got emotionally invested in the characters here and i never do that for a movie like this unless it is this. Why? Read on, Buttercup.

The best thing about this movie were the actors and you know how sometimes you don’t know what makes a good actor because you can’t really put your finger on it? Go and see SLP for a good lesson on that. Chris “Mother” Tucker takes the role of the nutso friend and drives it straight to the place you’d expect and drops it off there without taking us anywhere. Some other guy (John Ortiz) plays the BF and you watch him going, “Yeah, he’s the BF because he’s acting the way the BF is supposed to”.

But Bradley Cooper (who is the person i will sleep with right after Eliza Dushku if i go gay) and Jennifer Lawrence (who i would sleep with first no matter what) fucking nail their characters. They play crazy perfectly because they don’t “play crazy”, they play crazy people trying to act normal which is a whole hell of a lot more realistic.

“You overpaid for your track suit, babe.”

The other good thing about this (yeah, i’ll skip the part about how De Niro finally gets his acting chops into a meatier role than he’s been served in a long time) is the director who’s some guy called David O. Russell (who also directed the fuckin’ excellent The Fighter). The cool thing about his directing is that you don’t notice it, which is what good directing is about (unless you go the other way where the directing is the best part of the movie, like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula or Andrew Niccol’s Lord of War).

Everything comes together in this movie and chips in to elevate it above the normal level of a rom-coma and even if that doesn’t make it Oscar worthy, it still makes it worth a viewing.

Meanwhile, at the same sex marriage gala…

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

“No, that’s a roll of dimes I keep in my pocket.”

Sure, i love Jennifer Lawrence (“Tiffany” in this movie), but more importantly i like her a lot. She’s hot but she wasn’t always hot and she won’t always be hot but what she will always be is a good actress and fucking cool. For the good actress part all you have to do is watch Silver Linings Playbook to see what i mean and for the cool part check out these quotes.

Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.

Or, and this is my personal favorite,

I went to the doctor today and got a chest X-ray of my lungs and discovered that my breasts are uneven! That was all I saw.

You know me (and if you don’t, my breasts are uneven too), i’m all about the investigative journalism, so let’s take a close up and personal look at this, shall we?

Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Like with most of the actresses, there are single shots of Jennifer in my drawers, down below. Just scroll all the way down until you hit the “Continue reading” link and then do just that.

Another wonderful actress gracing this movie is Julia Plenty of Stiles (aka “Veronica” here). i’ve liked her ever since i didn’t see her that one Heath Ledger movie (10 Things I Hate About You) but saw some Stiles stills and she was gorgeous and it was kinda like this.

Julia Stiles Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

What else is good about SLP? Here’s the blow by blow from my notes:

• [Glimpses of] Ex-wife (Nikki / Brea Bee) in the shower
• Closeups of JL’s [Jennifer Lawrence's] “necklace”, i.e. cleavage & the moles [which i've just realized is a great fucking name for a girl's band]
• Vaguely dirty talk @ restaurant: Older mature lesbian with younger girl on her lap explaining / teaching her what to do [i put this dialog down in my drawers, if you really care.]
• JL’s bare back
• JL’s dance costume rocked halter top

One of my favorite lines from the movie was more about sex than romance. This exchange is between Bradley Cooper’s character (Pat) and a guy taking advantage of Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) sexually.

Jordie
How am I being rude?

Pat
Oh, you know. You know.  Come on. Sometimes it’s  [casual sex] okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun, and sometimes it’s not okay because they got a broken wing, and they’re hurt, and they’re an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed.

Silken Butterflies

i already talked about the woman naked wife in the shower in the blow by blow and her name is Brea Bee and she’s this kind of ginger hot.

Regency Boies graced us, the screen and the film with her brief yet remarkable presence as “Regina”.

Also making the film a better place to be is Samantha Gelnaw, who played Jake’s Finacée.

For those of you more into quick passes than tight ends, there was Bradley Cooper in this.

Bradley Cooper rocking the sober in the Bar None

Drink: 2½ Shots

There was tons of drinking and drink references but it didn’t ply a serious role in the movie and that’s what 2½ shots tastes like.

Here’s the blow by blow:

PAT
Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.

DANNY
Bad combination.

—Pat explaining to his mother why Danny was with him in the mental hospital

• BC (Bradley Cooper) brings wine bottle to dinner at Ronnie’s
• Wine @ dinner

“LOL, we’re drinking expensive champagne and you sold out for a cheap ass Bud.”

Don’t drink too much, don’t hit anybody, you’ll be fine.

—Pat Sr. (Robert De Niro) giving his son advice before a football game

• Beer @ tailgate [party]
• JL swigs Bud after putting De Niro in his place
• White alcohol on ice @ Xmas
• Chris Whatsisname [Tucker] drinking Bud at formal dance recital
• When JL is stressed she marches straight to the bar, pounds on it, and asks for a vodka. Then a guy offers her another one.
• Champagne on the table at the dance contest

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

It’s not my fault everything is 2½ shots, talk to the movie. i went 2½ here because the soundtrack has some really cool songs (two White Stripes jams, and even some Zeppelin!) but not all of the songs are on the OST, so don’t buy it without checking it out closely first.

Some guy way cooler than me over at a real blog called Indiewire put together a complete list of all the songs in the movie, not just the ones on the soundtrack.

A cool song on both, which is not necessarily rock and roll, is “Girl from the North Country” by Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Norman Blake, W.S. Holland & Marshall Grant.

The Waiting Room at the Wig Salon

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Matthew Quick (novel “The Silver Linings Playbook”)
David O. Russell (screenplay)

The short bus just got shorter

Directed by: David O. Russell

Starring

Jennifer Lawrence – Tiffany
Jacki Weaver – Dolores
Julia Stiles – Veronica
Brea Bee – Nikki
Regency Boies – Regina
Samantha Gelnaw – Jake’s Fiancée
Bradley Cooper – Pat
Robert De Niro – Pat Sr.
Chris Tucker – Danny
Anupam Kher – Dr. Cliff Patel
John Ortiz – Ronnie

Bottom Line

Great date movie because it’s almost a great movie.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

It’s all over but the photos (and a quick script excerpt). Read on only if you don’t want to read on, but prefer to look instead.

Jennifer Lawrence

“Holy shit! My boobs are uneven!”

“But they’re still thumbs up.”

Jennifer Lawrence in the Bar None

PAT
Can I ask you one more question? Were there any women?

TIFFANY
Yes.

PAT
Really?

TIFFANY
Yes.

PAT
What was that like?

TIFFANY
Hot.

 PAT
Jesus Christ. Was it like…older women, a sexy teacher who wants to seduce you—

TIFFANY
Made me sit on her lap and do things? Yeah.

PAT
What? You sat on her lap?

TIFFANY
Mm-hmm.

PAT
She told you what to do?

TIFFANY
Mm-hmm.

PAT
Oh…my God. Nikki hated when I talked like this. Made me feel like such a pervert. Maybe we should change the subject.

Julia Stiles (who apparently is often cold)

Julia Stiles in the Bar None

Julia Stiles in the Bar None live:

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Not a lot of people know this, but Spring Breakers was an action movie and if you don’t believe me, there was so much action i couldn’t fit it all in my review so i had to come here to let it all spill out. This is where i’m going to open my drawers and let it all hang loose.

Starting things off with a gang bang, here’s some of the girl on girl action that went down on each other in Spring Breakers.

Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson

Rachel Korine, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson

Selena Gomez, Rachel Korine, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson

Vanessa Hudgens, Rachel Korine, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson

Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens

Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens

Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson

Ashley Benson, Vanessa Hudgens

Rachel Korine, Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez / Faith

Selena Gomez in the Bar None

Vanessa Hudgens / Candy

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Ashley Benson / Brit

Ashley Benson in the Bar None

Ashley Benson in the Bar None

Rachel Korine / Cotty

Heather Morris / Bess

Heather Morris in the Bar None

Heather Morris in the Bar None

Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.

Ramblings: Die Hardly

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.

“Do you want to put the ‘secret’ back in the ‘service’, Timmy?”

I’m going to tell you a secret nobody wants you to know. OHF is a remake of the first Die Hard.

How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.

The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off  kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?)  he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.

Hates it when they wax the front porch

You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?

“As soon as it’s safe, turn around.”

After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.

“No, Ma’am, you don’t understand. It’s not harassment if you’re ugly.”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.

Oppa Gangbang Style

Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.

But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.

Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ‘em lingering there.

There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.

Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s drawer shots of her as well.

Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.

Ashley Judd Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i also stuffed my drawers with some single shots of her down below, too.

Silken Butterflies

Making an all too brief appearance as “Nurse” is the always lovely Amber Dawn Landrum, who is always as lovely as this:

Not to mention the amazing Malana Lea, who played Lim, and she was. See?

Drink: 0

Not a drop.

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…

“Sorry, sir, your arm is falling off. Let me get that for you.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt

Directed by: Antoine Fuqua

Starring

Angela Bassett – Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs
Melissa Leo – Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan
Radha Mitchell – Leah
Malana Lea – Lim
Amber Dawn Landrum – Nurse
Gerard Butler – Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart – President Benjamin Asher
Finley Jacobsen – Connor
Dylan McDermott – Forbes
Rick Yune – Kang
Morgan Freeman – Speaker Trumbull

Bottom Line

If you gotta see it, leave after they kill the South Korean President. If you don’t gotta see it, watch Die Hard instead.

Another Round

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s it for the text, nothing left now but pictures of the hotties.

Angela Basset

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell hot in the Bar None

Ashley Judd

Ashley Judd in the Bar None

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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme

[Press 'Play' to spice up this review]

Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?

FIRST!

Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.

This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick

Ramblings: Machete Scratches

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.

“Batman?”

i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.

Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).

Barbie Landspeeder

The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.

Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.

Yeah, i bet that’s it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Killer Tits

Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?

As for the blow by blow:

• 70′s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70′s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
• Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas

Because Cleavage

You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.

Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.

Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.

Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.

Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.

Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.

Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.

Portable Gun Show

Silken Butterflies

Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.

First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.

As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.

Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.

Elle Lamont in the Bar None

Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.

Or is it Elise & Electra?

Drink: 3 shots

Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.

Check out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.

Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.

Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.

“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).

Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.

• The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
• Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
• Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
• Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
• Variety of cocktails at the reception

Picking up chicks…on the bumper

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.

But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.

Very Hard Nipples

The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Danny Trejo auditions for Thor

Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story

Directed by: Robert Rodriguez

Starring

Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)

Bottom Line

Not all that sharp but not all that dull, either.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Inglourious Basterds

Booze Revooze of Django Unchained

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

i’ll throw up some of the leftover captioned stills and then get right to the hotness because you gotta believe my drawers are as hot as hell, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

That moment you realize you have the same haircut as Danny Trejo

Valentine’s Day in Mexico

Bored This Way

“I call this one my ‘vale-Dick-torian’.”

Chose ‘Acting’ as her ‘Talent’. Lost pageant.

Barbie Machete

Bra Size: 9mm

A Breakdown of Government

Alexa Vega

Alexa Vega in the Bar None

Amber Heard

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga in the Bar None

Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez after the Bar None

Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Machete Kills

Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

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Too young? Half your age plus 7 inches, baby!

Here’s my New Year’s resolution, for more shit like this to happen. For hot bi girls to get mega drunk and make out with top models in public. My New Year’s resolution is more Michelle Rodriguez.

Michelle Rodriguez, the King of Queens and still the first woman i’ll call if i turn gay, had a date with a 21 year old blonde top model who looks like this:

And acts like this:

Michelle took Cara Dlelevingne (pronounced: de-la-vagina) to a basketball game and it was hard to tell, oh so very hard, who had the most balls because Michelle kept trying to convert the young woman to either Lesbianism or Alcoholism or both and you know me (and if you don’t there oughta be a law) i already invented a word for that too and it’s LUSH, which stands for Lesbian Until Sober Honey.

“Psst, if I were a woman, would you be a lesbian?”

What’s the take away? These photos are the fucking take-away and they’re so great it’s like Santa came again and if he didn’t, i will.

You know you’re Michelle Rodriguez drunk when…

1. …this is ‘smiling’.

2. …you can only keep one eye open at a time

3. …you give a urine sample in public

4. …everything reminds you of vaginas.

5. …you finish first. Without her. At a basketball game.

6. …your ‘come face’ turns into a ‘go face’.

7. …you get this kind of lucky.

As i already got more than enough Michelle Rodriguez pics to choke a drunken whore, i thought i’d concentrate on Cara Delevingne from here on out.

Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is NSFW, babes.

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None

If i see those tats, i swear not to worry and to be happy

Jacqueline Bisset in the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

January 12, 2014 And the sinner is…

My favorite reality show is now awards ceremonies. OK, i’m not 100% convinced that awards ceremonies qualify because they’re more real than reality shows and the actors at the ceremonies are more talented (usually) and more famous (certainly) but in both awards and reality shows we get to watch people more blessed and less intelligent than us fuck up in public.

Last week’s Golden Globe Awards was no exception as not 1 but 2 established actresses (OK, 1&1/2) could’ve been arrested for drunk & disorderly as well as public drunkenness if famous people had to obey real people’s laws.

i’m guessing Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset were at neighboring tables and not the same one because there’s no way they both could’ve been as shitfaced as they were if they had to share alcohol. So they were sitting near each other and probably playing drinking games like every time some flailing actress showed cleavage they had to pound a shot or every time some phonies did those European cheek kiss things they had to have a swig for every fake smooch.

Whatever, here’s how that played out on stage during the speech making.

First Emma’s went like this:

Then Jacqueline’s beautiful disaster:

The morning after when it was all over but the crying (and the telling the maid to clean the carpet, BUT NOT WITH BLEACH SOMETHING ORGANIC GODDAMNIT) Jacqueline Bisset had this response to her speech:

I was hungry and surprised.

Which was true, she was hungry and surprised, right after she drunk the shit out of all the alcohol in her vicinity.

Jacqueline Bisset Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

While Emma Thompson had this to say:

Dear Non famous people,

It has come to my attention that my recent behavior at the Golden Globes ceremony has drawn not a little amount of public scrutiny and as such I would like to offer up this explanation for my actions.

I was fucking drunk, bitches.

Sincerely,

God Dame Emma Thompson

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

Saint Pauly over at 1,2,3 WTF!? lets me skip to the good parts of the movies he reviews by posting exactly at what minute the nudity begins. You get that and all the other parts, good and bad, at his cool site.

Check out the reviews for

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Sharknado

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of The Purge

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Evil Dead

1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Getaway

Give him a chance. Plus, because he’s my gay friend, we can feel all good about ourselves for being open minded.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is more or less pretty NSFW

Jacqueline Bisset

Emma Thompson

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Ben Affleck in the Bar None

Afflecker

You know me (and if you don’t there ought to be a law), i’m in it for the laughs. So far be it from me to “out” a drinker in recovery, but apparently not so far from me because i’m doing it right here.

Yesterday morning, i came across (in the non-sex way) an article on the Huffington Post talking about 19 celebrities who don’t drink and if you look at #28 (of 19, WTF!?) you see…Ben Affleck. It’s not the first time i’ve heard Ben’s name associated with sobriety and, as someone in recovery for alcoholism (over 3 years dry now, baby), i’m always on the lookout for famous people who are as fucked up as i am.

Yes, Ben is full of it, if “it” means “a giving  spirit” because after all, he’s the one who just last August went to tell Lindsay Lohan how to be sober.

Affleck — who himself was in rehab back in 2001 — met Lindsay somewhere away from the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu where Lindsay was getting treatment.  We’re told Ben gave her guidance on how to maintain sobriety after rehab for someone in Hollywood.

Apparently someone better go find Lindsay Lohan’s ass and tell her to do the exact opposite of everything Ben told her because everything he knows about sobriety you could fit in a thimble but don’t do that because he’d pro’lly drink that to.

Turns out Ben is full of it, if “it” means “booze”.

“You can’t hear me? Let me DRINK UP!” (Bar None Artist’s misdirection)

“I Swear I haven’t drunk since 2001.” (Bar None artist’s misinterpretation)

Sobriety for Ben is an Afflecktation, something he shows off when it’s convenient but not something he’s serious about. In 2010, there was already talk about how he sat down at some table with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance plopping down a fifth of Absolut and all Ben’s handlers had to shoo the press away like flies off of shit.

In the same loaded vein, last week’s Golden Globe Awards must’ve been one hell of a party because Ben got shitfaced along with Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset. Check out the evening’s photos, and tell me he doesn’t look seriously Affleckted.

“I love you, man.”

“I fuckin’ love you, man.”

“I love fucking you, ma’am.”

Just for laughs…

Bar None Dregs

On a happier note, Saint Pauly just posted another one of his WTF!? reviews and they’re funnier than I have a right to be.

WTF!? review of “Indisdious”

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Normally, i’d be all about posting screen shots of the film to prove i was there, but i got in an argument with the unemployed guy who sat beside me (in Yeaman, the unemployed get a discount for movies) over my eating candy and popcorn. As i didn’t want to risk getting my ass tossed taking screenshots with my phone, you’re going to have to settle for a picture of the ticket stub.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Clash- I Fought the Law

[Press 'Play' for a song that doesn't make much sense for this film]

“Hey you, motherfucker eating popcorn in the front row!”

Ramblings: RoboCop Out

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots You know how you get drunk with a sex doll? Sure, she’s lots of fun and looks good on the surface and she’ll make you feel good but she doesn’t really have a heart and you know you won’t remember her after you leave her behind because she didn’t mean anything special to you. You drink your drinks but the fuck puppet isn’t having any so you feel a little cut off from the whole thing as you struggle to get into it and keep it up because your spirit is willing but your willy is weak so you just lie there, pushing rope, not having an unpleasant time because it’s sex and drink after all but still you can’t help wondering how long it will be until true love comes again. RoboCop is that sex doll.

“It’ll feel like someone else’s hand, you luck bastard.”

When i heard a while back that they were going to remake RoboCop, i was pretty psyched. The movie seemed like a perfect candidate for a retooling. It has a good story, potential for action, places for special effects… i was looking forward to opening this puppy up and giving him a test drive. Unfortunately, this RoboCop has a few kinks (and not the good kind), some bugs and acts a little rusty. The problem with a remake is that it’s like sleeping with twins, you’re going to end up comparing them. This RoboCop doesn’t measure up because it’s the shallow twin: the one with no soul. Not the RoboCop dude himself, but the movie. Beta RoboCop (1987) was directed by Verhoeven and his strong points are making movies like Good and Plenty candy. They got the chewy licorice center of political satire hidden deep inside candy coated kitsch. He knows how to package this junk and whenever he hesitates between two choices, he chooses the one that goes farthest over the top.

Speedbump of the future

This RoboCop is a straightforward action film with none of the fun, which is cool, not everyone can be likable (look at me) but then it should kick ass in other parts. Like The Dark Knight wasn’t a fun movie, but made up for this with credible script, non stop action, a cool look, deeply personal themes and a villain that redefined villains. RoboCop tries for all of this but cannot make the leap so falls short in almost every aspect. The script is thin, the action is cliché, and the look was polished but not stylish, like a generic cell phone case that’s overpriced and doesn’t fit the IPod you have anyway. Plus, our villains are a money grabbing Mr Mom at the head of a big bad Corporation and Samuel L Jackson, who is a conservative talk show host on a Fox-type network that only shows infomercials for high-end weaponry.

“You were in Batman, too? No shit?”

The one thing i liked in version 2 was that more attention was paid to RoboCop’s internal wiring. In the original, RoboCop had moments of consciousness stuck inside the suit and sitting under a plastic sheet on the lab floor, but there are no tests run on him and we get no real feeling about his mental workings. This RoboCop performs much better in these aspects, and while it’s almost too much at times, it certainly is better than not enough. Finally, you know me and if you don’t i’m the exception that breaks the rule, i’ll say what other critics are afraid to say and here’s the ugly truth about Joel Kinnaman playing RoboCop. Inside the suit, he looks like a giant penis in a condom. He walks around like an upright cock with his circumcised head exposed and is the spitting image of a Durex advertisement. It’s so ri-dick-ulous it’s distracting.

“Looking at you reminds me of your circumcision.”

Basically, RoboCop works but looks clunky, runs but never hits its stride. At least the director kept the drug factory from the first one. (Here’s a GIF from Saint Pauly’s review).

Have some Coke and a smile

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

 Like a teenager with a Playboy bunny, José Padilha had his hands full of beauty here but didn’t know what to do with it. i’m sure he’s some famous foreign director because he’s so good at choosing women for his movies, but he’s not modern enough to give them some meat to their roles or cleavage to their necklines.

The exquisite Maura Grierson

As Murphy’s wife, Mrs Murphy, there’s the gorgeous Abbie Cornish, who i’ve exposéed before. In RoboCop  there’s a scene where she’s in her bra, making out with her husband on top of the sheets but you’ll see more action watching alcoholics in corner booths. Abbie Cornish who is not a hen but is a chick and here’s the proof of that.

Abbie Cornish Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s some single shots of Abbie in my drawers down below. Just scroll down til you hit the dirt. Before that, though, there is the amazing Aimee Garcia who we all fell in love with when she played Harrison’s nanny in Dexter. Maybe you fell in love with her first in Jag, and if you did, RoboCop may just well be the movie for you. Aimee played a lab tech in this movie so her white coat hides all of this.

Aimee Garcia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And there’s shots of her down in my drawers as well. Silken Butterflies Let me just say here that the director (José Padilha) is  Like the first woman we see right at the beginning of the movie is a super hot journalist doing a live broadcast in Iran. This lovely young lady is as talented as she is hot and very cool on top of it all. This i know because her name is Maura Grierson and she was cool enough to do a Booze Talkin’ interview for the Bar None that i’ll be posting faster than a horny rabbit on a conjugal visit.

Wrapping this up is the stellar Melanie Scrofano, who plays the guitarist with the mechanical hand’s wife. Or maybe something shorter but does it really matter when at the end of the day she looks like this, and i bet at other times of the day as well.

Melanie Scrofano Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Drink: 1 Shot

Not a lot of drinking to be found here, and what they had was pretty incidnetal, so if they’re going to do the bare minimum, so will i. Still, here’s the blow by blow:

• Vallon drinks whisky with dirty cops
• Murphy’s wide gives him a beer at home when he’s sad
• Beer at picnic in his robot dream

Rush Limblack

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

Not bad, though if you want my opinion (and if you don’t you should probably stop fucking reading this), the rock and roll in this movie was like my sex life, there was aa lot going on but not much exciting and nothing you’d necessarily want to watch.

• The best action scene was the first one, a fire fight between terrorists and cool robots in Iran
• Shoot out at a restaurant between Murphy and his partner and machine gun wielding baddies
• Yodel rock during test [phase] montage
• RoboCop at Vallon’s [lair] shootout, nothing new
• Shootout against Omni Corp [robots] good FX but standard fight
• Punk version [by The Clash] of “I Fought the Law” to roll credits by

Boring Technical Crap

The Agents of Panty S.H.I.E.L.D.

Written by:

Joshua Zetumer – screenplay
Edward Neumeier & Michael Miner – 1987 screenplay

Directed by: José Padilha

Starring

Maura Grierson – Kelly
Abbie Cornish – Clara Murphy
Aimee Garcia – Jae Kim
Melanie Scrofano – Wife of Man with Prosthetics
Joel Kinnaman – Alex Murphy / RoboCop
Gary Oldman – Dr. Dennett Norton
Michael Keaton – Raymond Sellars
Samuel L. Jackson – Pat Novak

Bottom Line

Someone should make a movie with the heart of the first one in the special effects of the second one. Rather ‘should have made’ because i don’t think we have another RoboCop remake in us. He’s not Superman, after all.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of RoboCop (1987)

The Rod’s review of a Veerhoven (or whatever) movie

Booze Revooze of another man in a suit movie

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Shutting down the hilarity to make room for the titillation. All that comes from here on out is pretty much NSFW.

Abbie Cornish

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Aimee Garcia

Aimee Garcia 09 in the Bar None

Melanie Scrofano

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Ramblings: A Penthouse Sweet

Before ya’ll get your collective panties (and you oughta stop with that, it’s all kinds of not sanitary) about how i’m bullshitting my way through this review because The Grand Budapest doesn’t come out for another 3 days…check this out.

See that date? 26/02/2014, babe. So i was in the Hotel, soiling the sheets and raiding the mini bar way before you got here.

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a girl you like? She’s kind of your friend but you’ve always wanted to take it to the next level because she’s cute and funny and sexy and even a little dirty and finally she tells you to meet her in a room at the Motel 6 with a bottle of bargain tequila and a box of condoms. So you spend the day in sticky anticipation of all the liquid fun in store for the evening but like all pleasures that get put off, there comes a moment when it’s more fun to wait than consecrate, to anticipate than consummate. The hotel room you meet in is a poor excuse of a bedroom and what you imagined her lips would feel like, what you thought her skin would smell like, what you hoped her body would taste like was far softer, sweet  your imagination of her body was more delicious than her body itself. Not that she’s ugly by any stretch, it’s just she sports the ass of someone you like and not love so you don’t really get into it. The Grand Budapest was like that ass, no matter how drunk you get, you appreciate how good it looks but you just can’t get deeply into it.

Is that flour on your face or were just making batter?

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe i was too tired but The Grand Budapest didn’t open for me. i feel bad about this on so many levels that i’m tempted to lie here and say i loved it because i’ve heard the rumors that this is Wes Anderson’s break out movie and if any director deserves a break out, it’s Wes.

All the ingredients were there for a successful cocktail even. The script was well written, the story was engaging, the actors were amazing (Fiennes and the little boy (Tony Revolori as Zero) were perfect) and the look, the style the feel of the film was the best part. It looked like a delicious pastry from your favorite bakery.

Why i didn’t like it is more elusive because i’m not sure, so let’s talk this through and see if we can’t figure it out. i think one of the problems is that, like the cake, it was too sweet but not nourishing enough. Like Wes had followed the recipe to the letter and get the cake that looked exactly like the picture in the cookbook, but my tastes run more towards the improvised, the surprise.

“This is what happens when you don’t put the seat down.”

Here’s some excuses as for why i didn’t get into Hotel:

1. i was tired and fell asleep in the movie
2. After Moonrise Kingdom, which i loved the shit out of, i had very high, too high, expectations for this one
3. i suck

You know how you sit in the can for a long time trying to make a deposit and you feel the need and you keep trying and pushing but nothing comes from it? That’s how i felt in the movie theater, trying to force myself to love The Grand Budapest and just not succeeding. Maybe i’ll try to watch it again and stay awake through the whole thing this time.

“No, you can’t change jobs. His is flushing, yours is wiping.”

You know what i’d really like? If you’re feeling especially generous maybe you could see the film and tell me how wrong i am in the comments. Shame me into liking this film, goddammit.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

WATCH OUT! SOME OF WHAT FOLLOWS IS NSFW!

Sex: 0 Shots

Yeah, no big surprise here. Wes isn’t really known for his steamy sex scenes. Which is cool because going to a Wes Anderson film for the sex scenes is like going to church for rationality. Fortunately you got me here to give you a hand…so to speak.

The sexiest shot in the whole film

Like there was Saoirse Ronan as Agatha. i was so glad to see her here and doing a good job acting because i thought Stephenie Meyer broke her when Saoirse starred in The Host. Apparently, however, Saoirse is more resilient than Kristen Stewart doing Twilight because Ms Ronan holds her own here–but not anyone else’s. Which is why i’m posting this.

Saoirse Ronan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

The same lack of sexiness carried over to hot French babe Léa Seydoux, which is pronounced like “Say Do” but she says “don’t” throughout this whole movie because she’s not in it very long and even if she plays a French Maid, it’s not even half as sexy as it sounds. Here’s a wallpaper of her trying not to be sexy too, by hiding her boobs from us but she’s only partially successful.

Léa Sydoux Bar None Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper

If you made it past that, here’s the blow by blow:

• Glimpse of an elderly naked woman in bed
• Maid Clotilde [is hot] [i wrote this before i recognized it as Léa Seydoux]

Drink: 2 Shots

i was pretty surprised actually. i never woulda thought it’d have gone up this high but there you have it. There were pretty regular references to drinking, even if drinking wasn’t key to the script.

• Champagne bottle at dinner

“To my health, ’cause yours is fucked.”

• The film is set in Zubrowka [which is the name of a polish vodka]

Bring Pouilly-Fuissé 1926 so we don’t have to drink the cat piss in the dining car.

Ralph Fiennes / M. Gustave packing before a train trip

“I take my drinking like my men, two-fisted.”

• Whisky and champagne at the reading of the will
• Green Goblin bad guy [i spaced Willem Dafoe's name] takes sips from his flask on his motor cycle

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

C’mon people, you don’t go to a Wes Anderson film for the rock.

“Shoot, or I’ll stop.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness – Story
Wes Anderson – Screenplay

Directed by: Wes Anderson

Starring

Saoirse Ronan – Agatha
Léa Seydoux – Clotilde
Ralph Fiennes – M. Gustave
F. Murray Abraham – Mr. Moustafa
Willem Dafoe – Jopling

Bottom Line

My suggestion to you is to definitely see it, especially if you like Wes Anderson and to ignore everything i think about it.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Moonrise Kingdom

WTF!? review of The Host

The Rod’s super professional review of Fiennes in Skyfall

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing clever from here on out, unless you think NSFW T&A is clever. In which case, what’s coming is fucking brilliant.

Saoirse Ronan

Léa Seydoux

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Black Sabbath – War Pigs

[Press 'Play' for the original version. The end credits have a mix of this, but when i bought the OST track on Amazon there were no vocals attached,  even if they were there in the film version. Fuckers.]

i think i was the first person in the world to see this film and i’m not even kidding all that much. There was a sneak preview of it here last night (2014-03-04) at 9pm and here’s some proof of that. Don’t worry, on Friday y’all can enjoy my sloppy seconds.

My ticket stub

The blurry might be the 3D

The black thing is my leg at the movies with me

Ramblings: 300 (on a scale of 0-10)

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk at a Roman orgy? You chug so much wine your bones feel soft and you can’t feel your skin and you pound so much mead your eyes drip with it and the buzz goes past drunk to a high so high you feel like you’re drinking with the gods and everything you see is brighter and bigger and cooler so that you’re high in the arena looking down on killer battles being played out for your amusement and then you get drunker because you’re high in the clouds looking down on the epic earth with a view no human has seen before. Sure, there are moments when you need to visit the barfatorium and evacuate your guts out to make room for the next round and between gladiator fights everyone makes these boring ass speeches and even the gods babble on about their personal problems far too long but you don’t mind much because it’s their party and it’s a small price to pay for the ferocious madness you know they’re going to drop in your lap right after. Soon you’re back reveling in the sex and the flesh and the stench and the mess that’s so intense you overload your senses and drift off into a pleasure coma. Then, when the orgy is eventually over you lie back sated with a smile on your face and can’t wait for the next one. That visual gratification that aural satisfaction that sensory overdose is what 300: Rise of an Empire brings to the fucking orgy.

Good news.

i fucking loved the original 300. i went there not knowing what to expect and kind of figured i’d probably hate it and then it knocked me on my ass and spit in my face while i sat there mouth opened in awe of all the movie getting shoved down my throat.

That’s why 300: Rise of an Empire kinda worried me. It was going to be impossible to surprise me now that i knew what to expect. Also, i loved the shit out of the first one and so the second one was going to have to work its ass off to impress me. Well, it did and i was.

What we liked in the first one was fairly simple: lots of action, slow motion, and cool special effects. Noam Murro, the director they tapped to replace Zack Snyder who was no doubt suffering from performance anxiety after how hard he rocked our worlds in the first one, knew this and turned all three of those things up to 11. The action was harder, the motion was slower and the effects were specialer. There were a couple times i caught myself mouthing the words “Holy shit” to myself and scribbling it in my notes because it looked so fucking great.

Be careful, though. You know me (and if you don’t, it’s contagious), i’m like a little kid in a little boy’s body and that means i can super get into shit. i don’t sit around and analyze grown up crap and over-think these things to death. i feel movies with my balls, is what i’m saying, and what my balls felt about 300: RoaE was that it went past redonkulous and teetered on the edge of ridiculous. So there may be some jaded ass mother fuckers out there who are going to tell you this movie sucked because it’s exaggerated but you and i both know they’re wrong. The problem with life is that it’s too fucking soft and normal and sometimes we need something exaggerated to make us feel alive. In that respect, 300: RoaE puts out more often than any lay you ever had and does it better.

Were there downsides? Stop reading here if you don’t know want to know what they were, but if you really want to know, really, then imma tell you. One thing that got up my nose were the floaties. i think Noam wanted us to feel we were there in the film and so he had these particles floating in the air in almost every scene. There were dust motes and wheat chaff and embers and sparks and mist floating all over the place, and they were all the more noticeable as i saw it in 3D but instead of looking like they were floating around me, i kept looking at them rather than the action.

The other thing i had a problem with were the speeches. Seriously, i know there were some in the first one but were there really this many and were they really so repetitive? i mean, the weak link in 300 were the over dramatic one-liners the Spartans kept shouting out and there were less of those here but Jesus, every 10 minutes or so i had to hear a speech about how they were fighting for a free Greece and liberty and democracy. So fucking what? i don’t give a shit why you’re fighting our who you’re fighting for, i just want you to fight and make it look good, please.

While i’m on the topic of looking good, let’s move onto Eve Green–literally would be nice but we’ll have to settle for her acting job in this movie which was just awesome. i’ve seen her in other movies and thought she was very attractive even if her boobs are much too large for my taste but she’s a beautiful brunette with blue eyes and so on and so on. But here she had a chance with a serious part and she took it all the way there and then brought it back home and taught it the meaning of life the whole time. Brava.

Finally, i’m going to have to card one of the actresses here. For those of you new to the Bar None, we have a strict policy concerning minor actresses which is 1) there are only officially released photos and 2) these photos are not included in the section with hot photos of adult actresses. Nothing age inappropriate going on here, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

The lovely Jade Chynoweth (15 at the making of the film) portrayed 13-year-old Artemesia and she did a fantastic job. A very talented actress (and dancer), Jade certainly has a brilliant career waiting for her out there on the other side of adolescence.

A sample of my notes:

• When Xerxes stands to speak above the people… Holy shit what a shot

• Was there this much history lesson in the first one?
• Visually…Holy fucking shit wow
• Eva Green kills it–rocks her role
• The story catches up to and parallels 300.
• The headless dead body falling on glass shot didn’t work
• Gorgeous. Over the top
• A lot of slo-mo but i love it, it makes the pleasure last longer
• A visual masterpiece

Not even his own soul can be sure.

One of the silly lines

• Distant shots look like Diablo

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

You know how in 300 there was only romantic talk between the queen and the queen? Yeah, not here. There’s a real sex scene and it’s way more about pounding each other than loving each other because it’s between the enemies Artemisia (Eva Green) and Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton). At first you think Eva Green might me too famous to take off her top, then you remember she’s French. Let’s just say Eva Green topless in 3D is redundant.

Here’s a taste of that.

Eva Green Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are more shots down at the bottom in my drawers. Scroll all the way down until you hit the warning.

We also find the lovely Lena Headey who comes up short in many departments compared to Ms Green (oh come one, i’m talking about her talent!) but still looks good enough to fill out a collage like this.

Lena Heady Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are shots of her in the same drawers down there as well.

• [Right at the beginning a] hot woman toplessly dragged away by Persians in slo-mo with shaky boobs
• Eva Green’s breast plate has room [to protect her nipples if they get hard]
• EG’s [Eva Green] seduction scene of Themistocles is slow and out of place
• Themistocles succombs – he’s not that heroic
• Rough sex
• [Glimpse of] topless harem girls with wine

For the ladies and those that think like them

Drink: 0

Only two little references, but i didn’t really care that much ’cause i was way too much into the rest of the movie.

Who will share their wine with me?

Themistokles

• EG pours Themistokles wine on barge before sex

Rock & Roll: 5 Shots

A rare honor indeed. i was tempted to hold back a half shot for all the speechifying they made me sit through but i’m not that kind of guy and the action they had here was definitely 5-star material. They had at least four major battle scenes by my count and each of these was incredibly long yet still varied and filmed in a way easily enough to see. So many fight scenes nowdays are filmed in a blur to hide the lack of talent of the actors and the directors, but not here. Everything was slowed down and zoomed in so you were so close you could laugh at the buckets of blood being spewed around by every wound.

The music (not including the “War Pigs” mix at the end, which was incredible) was pretty boring and not as hard as the first film but it wasn’t so bad as to be distracting from the cinematography which was better than Avatar if you ask me. So un-ultra-realistic that it looked better than reality.

• Stupidly unreal blood and battles in slo-mo. i love it. This is what i came for.
• Invention of suicide bomber
• Cool sea monsters
• Great final battle sword play. Well choreographed
• War Pigs (cool mix) with credits
• Majestic end credits

300 Rise of an Empire 18 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Zack Snyder & Kurt Johnstad

Directed by: Noam Murro

Starring

Jade Chynoweth – 13 Year Old Artemesia
Eva Green – Artemisia
Lena Headey – Queen Gorgo
Sullivan Stapleton – Themistokles

Bottom Line

You should really see 300: Rise of an Empire because it’s like sex with your hot cousin: if you don’t think too much, it’ll be the ride of your life.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Kick Ass

The Rod’s amazing eview of another Zack Snyder effort

WTF!? Sharknado

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

This is the warning i warned you about. From here on out, it’s nothing but sexy.

Eva Green

Eva Green in the Bar None

Lena Headey

Lena Headey in the Bar None

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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alicia Keys ft. Kendrick Lamar – It’s On Again

Ramblings: The Adequate Spider-man 2

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a hot girl at a party? You already met her before and feel comfortable with her even if she was a little boring but she still was pretty cool and you were kind of looking forward to seeing her again so it puts a smile on your face when you walk into the room and find her there. Then you guys start hanging out and she’s doing keg stands in a mini skirt so you’re thinking it’s gonna be a hearty party but then she comes over to where you’re sitting on the sofa and plops down beside you and starts talking about all of her problems like her ex and how her life is complicated and her dead uncle and her crappy job and how money is tight and you listen politely because she’s hot but you’re only waiting for her to turn things up a notch again, which she finally does at the end so the evening wasn’t a total waste but you’d be a hell of a lot more interested in seeing her again if she’d grabbed your attention and squeezed the entire time. The Amazing Spider-man 2 is so like that girl and so like that party.

“I got blue balls!”

i had an extremely not unpleasant time seeing this film. Pro’lly most of the people reading this want to see it too so i’ll start off with the good shit. Like the special effects were great from beginning to end, but at an estimated production cost of $200,000,000, you get what you pay for. Also, Andrew Garfunkel (Garfield, whatever) acts better in this one than he did the first one. Plus, the musical score kicked ass. There you go. If you don’t want to see me criticize this movie until it cries like a little bitch, you should stop here.

“Imma punch your punk ass.”

Because the special effects were good but designed for 3D, so if you see it in 2D, you’ll catch yourself wondering what it would look like in 3D and that’s distracting. Or maybe it’s just me. And Andrew Garfield (like the cat but less funny and he reminds me of Art Garfunkel’s love grandchild) acts better than the first one but still not really well. Even Emma Stone only brought her C game, which is the grade she would’ve gotten if this was a class, of which she had none.

“Hang on a sec.”

My main complaint about The not-so-Amazing Spider-man 2 was the lack of bad guy screen time. The bad guys they had rocked but they just weren’t in the movie enough. They were kind of like rap stars that get paid shitloads of money to make an appearance at a club and then after they show their faces, they take off to go to a better place and have fun. That’s what the antagonists (Greek word for ‘bad guys’, or Uncle Agonist’s wife) did in this movie.

“Guess who I ran into, today…”

Look, you and i both know i’m not going to talk you out of seeing this movie (like i actually did to a real guy with Pompeii) and i’m not even trying to. All i’m doing is telling you to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up about a movie that gets things done, but takes the long way to get there.

Driving a hard bargain

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

Am i the only one who heard that story about Emma Stone a couple years ago that she was in a bathroom before she was famous like she is today and these two young girls came up to her for an autograph and she treated them like shit, telling them to get a life and that she was too good for their asses? i swear i heard this and since then, i can’t find it in my heart to find her sexy again. OK, that’s bullshit, of course i find her sexy, i’m a straight guy with eyes and a beating heart, but because i have a heart i can’t think of her as anything more than just eye candy.

These expressions are 99% of every relationship. The other 1% is sex. Which is enough to put up with the other 99%.

And the candy shop was closed here because she was almost as covered up as Spider-man for the entire film and, let’s face it, as a blonde she looks pretty–ridiculous. We’re a long way from Easy A. In other words, before the movie, stock up on your eye candy here, where she’s cheaper.

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And here’s a free shot for you patrons. It’s Emma Stone hanging out with her hot besties. Ah, how i’d love to come between friends.

i’d love to come between friends

Speaking of, check this out.

There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom of this post, so just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

The other sexual frustration in the movie was Felicity Jones (as Felicia). She’s this beautiful young English lass and she was on screen about as much as the bad guys, which means not nearly long enough. You get to see a lot more of her here than there, and i do mean ‘more’ of her.

Felicity Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s a handful of shots of her in my drawers as well, rubbing on top of the ones of Emma Stone.

Silken Butterflies

The lovely Jessica Abo plays herself, which means the role of a TV reporter, and she’s all over the news in New York (as a presenter, not a psycho zombie lead story). Look how pretty:

For those of you more interested in Spider Men than Spied Her Lady Parts, Dane DeHaan (the guy from Chronicle) was the sweetest meat in this.

Dane DeHaan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Drink: 1 Shot

Nothing to write home about, or in this review either for that matter. There were a couple of scenes where we see Harry Osborn drink scotch from a decanter and one time he complains to his dying father about how for his sixteenth birthday he got a bottle of scotch and a card from his dad’s assistant.

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

Definitely the best part of the movie and i would have gone higher if there’d been more action. i didn’t want to say anything up top because of the Spoilers thing but down here i already gave a spoiler warning so if you’re still reading and you don’t want any spoilers you should stop right now.

Harold looks like shit

Because the bad guy (Jamie Foxx as Electro) was a cool looking mother fucker but he wasn’t in most of the movie. He made an appearance at the end for the main fight but that was basically it. Same with the Green Goblin. In a supreme moment of WTF, Harry happens to find a Green Goblin suit standing right in front of him when he’s suffering from the side effects of injecting spider venom into himself and then he flies off in it to fight Spider-man at the end of the movie, too. And then, also at the end of the movie, Spider-man fights Rhino but it’s so at the end of the movie that they don’t even have time to finish fighting before the credits roll.

The Hard-nosed approach

The other really cool hing was the music, by Hans Zimmer who made the right choice to go electronic because of the enemy being Electro and all. i’m not even a big fan of that kind of “music” but what they put here worked for me and especially for the movie.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci & Jeff Pinkner - (screenplay)

Alex Kurtzman , Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner and James Vanderbilt - (screen story)

Stan Lee and Steve Ditko - (Marvel comic book)

Directed by: Marc Webb

Starring

Emma Stone – Gwen Stacy
Felicity Jones – Felicia
Jessica Abo – NY1 Reporter
Andrew Garfield – Spider-Man / Peter Parker
Jamie Foxx – Electro / Max Dillon
Dane DeHaan – Green Goblin / Harry Osborn

Bottom Line

Would lose a battle against any of the Avenger Superhero movies (except Ironmen 2 & 3, who both sucked).

As a small PS, while i’m not a big fan of either Emma Stone or Alexander Garfield (wait, wasn’t that a US president?), i do want to give them props for this:

Nice move: Credit where credit is due

Another Round

The Rod takes a look at the first in the series

Because WTF!? reviews are funny as shit

WTF!? review of a hotter Emma Stone by Saint Pauly

Booze Revooze: Captain America kicks Spidey’s ass

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but some of those NSFW photos i talked about up there.

Emma Stone

Bare AssAssin Skirt

Emma Stone in the Bar None

Felicity Jones

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Cara Delevingne Kissing Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Upton and Cara Delevignge…

Aerosmith – Love in an Elevator

[Press 'Play' for "Drunk in an elevator / Throwing it up after tossing it down..."]

Have you ever played that game, “If you could invite any 5 living people to a dinner party, who would it be?” Well, imagine you play that game, and then those 5 people ended up having dinner together. Freaky, right?

You know me (and if you don’t, you ought to know better), i’m not as intelligent as you, so i don’t play that game. When it’s not with myself, i play  “What four people would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” After years of perfecting my selection, i came up with the definitive list of four people i want to be stuck in an elevator with and it’s this:

1. Cara Delevingne (because she’s on every list i’ve ever invented ever)
2. Zooey Deschanel
3. Kate Upton
4. Reese Witherspoon (i bumped off Jesus to include her)

All drunk, of course.

Even more surprising than the perfection of this list is the fact that it all came true, even the drunk part. Here’s the video proof of that.

That vid is also all the proof i need to know that Reese Witherspoon doesn’t read my blog. i already said once in a post where i talked about Cara Delevingne being a LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober Honey), that the correct pronunciation of her name is “Car-ah De La Vagina“. Well, Reese was unaware so when she met Cara, hilarity ensued when she tried to pronounce Cara’s name. Also because she was drunk.

Speaking of her name, here’s a sound bite of Cara pronouncing the alternate, non “de la vagina” version of her name:

i have also come to the official conclusion that Cara Delevingne is not a L.U.S.H., but a young girl playing with the notion of bisexuality and everything else she can get her hands on. i do have photographic proof of that as well, of course.

Cara Delevingne goes both ways

Anyway, there’s tons of NSFW shots of this hot mess at the very bottom of these dregs.

Have you thanked your booze today?

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

WTF!?

From simple fan to simpleton blogger, my pupee, my mental, my proto-gay Saint Pauly’s website is building an audience in its own right. Let’s face it, he’s funnier than i am and i’m not just saying that because his WTF!? website is taking off and i have to stay on his good side.

Check out this review of another hot bisexual, if you don’t believe me.

WTF!? Review of Amber Heard in “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane”

Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows is NSFW. You’ve been warned, and you shouldn’t be reading the above shit at work anyway.

Cara Delevingne

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None with Rihanna

Cara Delevingne in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)

Kate Upton

Kate Upton AssAssin Panties

Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel in the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

From the juiced-box and the film: Elvis Presley – Devil in Disguise

[Press 'Play' for what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas]

Ramblings: Goodzilla

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with an old friend? He’s cool and brings something for you to drink and lets you pick the tunes and he’s been with you a long time so he’s as familiar as your favorite booth in the corner bar. Hanging out with him is nice because you know him so well you get comfortable right away and settle into your routine and even if he’s taken steroids and some speed with his drink, he’s still the same old guy you’ve always been able to count on. Godzilla is that old friend.

There’s a lot to like about this Godzilla dude. Sometimes there’s movies i really look forward to seeing, only when i get there i usually wind up all disappointed because these super heroes and monsters and robots don’t live up to their own hype. In the end they always have some fatal flaw that ruins it for me and i usually end up wishing they’d made the movie i wanted to see and not the one they showed me. The good news here is that Godzilla delivered what i wanted and, while he didn’t impress the shit out of me, at least he didn’t let me down.

It’s a solid movie with a good story and pretty fast paced, which means there’s more than just one action scene at the beginning and at the end. The actors do their acting thing even if none of the roles really are that much of a stretch for anyone. Bryan Cranston can act without even trying and here he doesn’t have to. Sally Hawkins is as cute as an English button but all she has to do is walk around and act surprised.

The big shock in the cast? Elizabeth Olsen (the non-twin) delivered the strongest performance of the film other than the monster. Sure, she cheated a little because “Elle Brody” is the only one in the movie that has any emotional range, but at least she didn’t drop the balls when exploring her character’s depth.

As for the special effects, they were often pretty good. However, the reason i stopped at 3½ shots here was because the action was sometimes a little muddied and the monsters’ fight scenes were often filmed in dark, smoky conditions and i suspect this was to “hide the wires” rather than for moody realism. Still, overall, the action was decent and regular, and the not so special effects didn’t hurt the film all that much.

Basically, if you think you’re going to like Godzilla, you’ll love it, and if you think it’s going to suck, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Elizabeth Olsen is the younger, taller, hotter sister of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (the mini bookends that were the darlings of American TV and kids’ movies). They didn’t age as gracefully as their untwin and they can’t act as well, either. Basically, Elisabeth got the looks and the talent, which is normal when you think about it because the twins had to share everything they got in two.

Elizabeth Olsen is bending over in the middle

Let me just say again, though, that the 1 shot here has nothing to do with her talent. Elizabeth really came through multiple times in Godzilla and proved she’s more than just a pretty face i hope to see a lot more of.

Unfortunately, whoever directed this film (Gareth Edwards) decided to concentrate more on the monster special effects than sex and more on his PG-13 rating than nudity. In your nutshell, this means this wallpaper is hotter than anything you’ll see of her in the film.

Elizabeth Olsen Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s some more single shots of her hanging out deep in my drawers, so just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

Also hot in this movie is Sally Hawkins who i’ve been crushing on forever, like since i saw her in this one English movie called Happy-Go-Lucky because she’s a good actress and cute and has a constellation of moles i’d like to spend all night drawing out and naming one time.

Sally Hawkins Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

i put some shots of her down in my drawers, too. Including one cool one of her moles.

Drink: 0 Shots

The only time we even see booze is when Ford Brody (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) has some wine with his wife (Elle Brody / Elizabeth Olsen) when he comes back from a tour of duty in the Navy.

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

The real reason i went 4 shots on the action was that there was a lot of it and it lasted throughout the whole movie. Much of what they put up on the screen, though, was a little confused and dark so i felt a little cheated like maybe whoever fucked up Pacific Rim could have come here and done just the action scenes because those were the best part of PR.

Remember, there are spoilers here!

• It takes 45 minutes to see a monster, but there is action before that
• There are a couple of surprising deaths, which is a real plus for this film. It also serves to keep us focused on the monsters
• There are 3 monsters here: A boy Muto (giant spider cricket), a girl Muto and Godzilla
• Godzilla kicks ass like a boss, and is the true hero of the film

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Max Borenstein (screenplay)
Dave Callaham (story)

Directed by: Gareth Edwards

Starring

Elizabeth Olsen – Elle Brody
Sally Hawkins – Vivienne Graham
Bryan Cranston – Joe Brody
Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Ford Brody

Another Round

A much better review of a much worse film

Booze Revooze of “301″

WTF!? Review of a movie with a similar poster

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

What happens in my drawers stays in my drawers, and is often NSFW!

Elizabeth Olsen

Elizabeth Olsen getting hit on by some old guy in the Bar None

Sally Hawkins

Click on this shot to zoom in on her moles

Sally Hawkins in the Bar None

Sally Hawkins in the Bar None: Cheers!

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